Thursday, November 19, 2009


Ho, ho, Ho….and you might now be one, because of all this hootenanny going on with the economic downturn. Shhh, children, mustn’t call it a “Depression” ……………yet.
We here at, readily commiserate with your situation and that of 5 million Americans and counting, another 500,000 of you join us every blessed week.
Jump right in, the water is warm! Hoooray!
Many of our interns, now manning shiny telephones to take your calls, are also, technically unemployed. Though we use that term rather sparingly round the office, so please don’t tell them.
Anyway, here’s something to get you started. News you can use:
Excuses to give to close family members, why no presents are forthcoming from your house. (Without telling them you’ve been sacked)
1. F&ck you!
2. And mom!
3. I got robbed on the way to the post office.
4. The dog gave us all the swine flu….and the clap.
5. We’ve all died here at this residence, from the plague. This letter to you was written posthumously. (That means after we died). P.S. send money.
6. Our clothes have been repossessed by the bank, we couldn’t leave the house.
7. I didn’t have enough for postage, even, and the phone has been cut off, and so has the internet. This card was sent to you on donkey-back and we owe the fellow money for it. Can you wire me $100?
8. We’re staying at a Holiday Inn, pretending to be the help. We’ve spent all our money on uniforms and for someone to hack the card keys for the doors to the vacant rooms. We have to move every morning at about six a.m. and it’s a real hassle. Can you send all your used gift cards for blanks, and swipe a few Visa Master’s out of Uncle Ernie’s wallet? He’ll never miss it and we promise not to use debit, or our real names.
9. Our marijuana grow house was busted, so we’re all in jail. All we can spare are seven 1000 watt bulbs, air movers, 600 yards of Mylar sheeting, and twelve ounces of Death-nug-kush. We can swap for an attorney to stymie these bastards to null-pros us out of county. We didn’t do it! It was the neighbors!
10. We’re now farming roaches, cicadas and palmetto bugs, and (totally unrelated business) selling burritos at a roadside stand. The health department has filed an injunction. Whatever happened to Free Enterprise in this country?
Welcome to unemployment Month at My Bladder is Full!

Disclaimer: We began Unemployment Month (December) a little early. But, we did that because, we know that we should let people get accustomed to the idea, BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS. See? It looks really bad and heartless if you do it DURING THE holidays. And doing it this way cuts down on the, uhm (whistles, makes finger into a gun, points to own head) doesn’t it?
Yeah, so, if you don’t do it sometime after Halloween, you know, then you’re into Thanksgiving, and how (forking peace signs in the air, whilst smirking) ya know “Christian” is that? Heh, heh.
And, c’mon, you know how these hangers-on whine. Can’t get rid of them. They’re all like “waaaa, my kid is sick” and “waaaaaa, if I miss one more payment they’ll foreclose on me” and “waaaaa, my mother is dying” and you’re all like “Okay, Jesus. Whatever okay, just go back to your desk.”
And okay, give them another few weeks to get their shit together or whatever, but, see? If you do that, by now you’re into the (smirk, crimping peace signs again) “Christmas season” and like “Oy! What is this, a social program? Jesus!” And if you go that long, now you’re going to have to wait until after Jan. 2! And (snaps finger in your face) are you up on the math, here, Sparky? We’re talking about a whole other, month and a half, here! And for what?
So, bottom-line, we decided to start now, before! Mnnnnyeah, Thanksgiving. (Nervous laugh. Guilty grin, sweat on lip. Hands clammy)
“….and a God Bless us every one!” Tiny Tim says as he crutched away with his little, one good leg.
Later that evening, that little, charming imp passed away in his sleep, during yet another argument between Bob and Martha Cratchit in which Bob said; “God damn it, I DIDN’T DO IT. Don’t you know what that c$#t said to HUMAN RESOURCES ABOUT ME behind my BACK?! She threw me under the bus,” and then Martha was all like “I just knew you were no good, Bob Cratchit!”
MMMMMmmmmmmerrry ( Corporate) Christmas, everyone!

No comments:

Post a Comment