Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Right Wing Hotties and the Brotherhood of the Travelling Pants

copyright David Kearns

Conservatives have learned from the liberals that it’s okay to be naughty, to think naughty every now and then and to have hot women around. To, not necessarily, think outside the box.

To bring you up to speed, now news comes in two brands: conservative and liberal. It used to be called news.

Most conservatives were silent fans of Jack Kennedy and his way with women, which according to some tomes, was more like a touret’s reflex disguised as a series of flings. They say Jack sort of lunged roosteresque at attractive women who were brought around by Bobby, or Lem Billings, Peter Lawford,Frank, or whoever.

“Errrr-uh, errrrr-uh, errrrrrrr……errrrrrrr……uhhhhhh,” went Jack. He claimed to need a daily dose of….that. Back then they called it skirt. He was a skirt chaser. I don’t think he was chasing the skirts, actually.

Oh get over it. And what year was it again? 1960 or thereabouts? I’ve got two words: Mad Men. Why watch if you’re so damned offended?Anyway, no one went after Jack’s spiritual love child, President Bill Clinton, with more gusto than minority whip Newt Gingrinch and his yard dog, Florida congressman Dave Weldon. Turns out, Whip Newt eventually strayed as well. All that whipping and whipping, and no one to whip back. Sometimes a girl just needs to be spanked.

Speaking of Clinton, at this time we have the man who suffered the most humiliating enflagrante in history now advising the President of the United States on Health Care reform. What is this Cash Cab? Is it a shout out?

Coincidentally, we have a gaggle of conservative governors “coming out” as it were. Openly-hetero and amped on Viagra. Yeeeeee Haw! They’re coming out! Look out! Check your hair! Duck, wear some splash shields, SHIT, it’s getting wet in here with all these jets of body fluid going off like middle aged man-canos.

“I have sinned, I am ashamed of my fling with my soul-mate hot piece of ass Argentine journalist, smoking hotty, hot-hot, who is also my soul mate. Did I mention she’s my SOUL MATE?” (not an actual quote, for the record, but damned close)

Sounds like someone mmmmmmmight not be as sorry as the wife would like him to be. But then, it’s good to be the guv. Isn’t it?See? You love that? It’s all about MEEEEEEEE! People of South Carolina, didn’t you get that? MEEEE being governor, is actually about me, exploring my own midlife meltdown, thing. Didn’t you remember you had signed up for that when you voted for me?
For the record, I am neither republican nor democrat. I am a think-o-crat. I am an American citizen who thinks; one who doesn’t buy into all the bullshit and political, fornicatus fisticus.
As a subliminal subtext to all this, as if the all clear has been sounded for conservatives to indulge in thought-crime and eye candy, Courtney Friel and Jane Skinner are paid to go on Fox News with Bill O’Reilly shortly before his highly-touted, Pulitzer-worthy Pinheads and Patriots segment, and chat with the Billster about, whatever.

They usually get about three or four words out before Bill steps all over their comments with his blather. (Smart women live for this, when you speak over them. Go for it Bill they want to be commanded! Do more of it! To Hell with lawsuits.)

I am not sure why these ladies are on all this week, other than they are blonde and incredibly hot. I don’t even beg for a brunette in the interests of diversity, that’s how hot they are. I Googled Ms Friel, and it was good for me. Then I wikied, and no one saw it. Turns out Courtney is, like, massively qualified to talk about Health Care reform? And like, whatever? Because, w’ull, she like, inturned at MTV a bunchuf X after attending San Diego State University? where she majurred in poly sci? So there, hayturs!

Fox they're' so progressive aren't they? Just want to sing Kumbaya!The progressive thing, that’s why they have Jane on, because she’s forty-two which qualifies her, in their minds, as a minority; a hot broad who’s over forty. Of the two blondes she’s the more qualified, seriously; after all she’s married to the NFL commissioner.

This isn’t new territory for FOX is it, having seen the Laurie Dhue phase. So long as they are making progress in bringing us "news" and "commentary."

Not that we want to go back to when news and substance were synonymous. O'Reilly that means that two words mean the same thing.

Anyway, we remember what that looked like when substance was hot.

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