Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Things to Do After You've Been Sh*t Canned Part 1

"Dear Putz, we're done with you. Thanks for all your efforts here. Please have a good life elsewhere."

Hopefully you've taken your "ejection seat carry-on" with you, as discussed in a previous blog posting. This would be the one you needed to assemble after you even smelled a whiff of intent on their part to dump you. The one you began squirreling away in your car filled with information needed to build your lawsuit, or cheap souvenirs that make YOU feel better for having lifted them, BEFORE you got the axe.

The first thing you'll need to do is scope out your town for the locations of the last remaining pay phones located therein. Let's face it, you're angry as hell. Why not have a little fun at their expense? Was there someone at your office who severely mistreated you? Now would be the time to use those numbers in your carry-on. Starting with front reception at your former place of employment.

Picture this charming, holiday scene: chatty malcontent front-reception type person gets a call from a woman who doesn't want to leave her name, at least not at first. This is always a tantilizing tidbit; "Is Steve there?" And you know Steve's itinerary, don't you, right down to the minute.

Chatty Malcontent with the snarky voice: "No I am sorry, Mr. So and So is not available at the moment would you care to leave a message for him?"

"I DON'T want to leave my name," you or your designee huff down the line.

" Would you like his voice mail?" She says this, with a peeling, holiday-happy snarl that could curdle baby milk. Why does she demand further interaction with someone who "won't leave her name?" Because, she's hoping, she wants - nay, NEEDS - information on Steve, just like you did before you got the boot.

Now it's jui jitsu time. Time to use the intra-office system of intrigue and back-stabbing against itself!

It's important to feign panic here: breathe deeply as though you're debating whether to let the cat out of the bag.

"Just tell that scumbag, that Kimberly is pregnant! And I'm calling his wife next!"

Then hang up that phone with a slam! Or, if you're more comfortable, pay someone to do all of this for you. Who might that be? Look for the nearest unemployment victim on the street. They're everywhere these days. In no time you should be able to explain yourself and they will surely do it with an inspired flourish for only a sawbuck or two.

Feel better? Good, that's what it's all about now. Feel guilty? Hell no! Don't. Remember these little acts of self-kindness actually help YOU get on with your life WITHOUT having to resort to stronger methods; such as the AR-15 you were thinking of buying. Hell, you're practically GHANDI here, so cheer up!

Now what. Take a breath. You've fired the first shot against the system; specifically against your thoughtless careless bosses who, like royal chickenshits, dumped a perfectly good employee with no more thought that using the rest-room.

Part 2 in 24 hours.

Enjoy this short video at the bottom of the page, be sure and visit our Glenn Beck parody site for a good time. Or Father Riley's words of inspiration. Father Riley is a laid-off priest. Visit my blogger profile to review all my writing which I am preserving for posterity on the web. This, so that the aliens know precisely what kind of sick, dangerous animal they are dealing with, and come armed for battle, when they come for me!

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